"I love me. I hate me. I love me. I hate me. I love me... Jeez how many petals are on this crazy flower???"

So this week I have been down with a virus or a flu, some God awful thing that rendered me in extreme amount of pain and then exhaustion. During this week, that seemed like it wouldn't end, I started going back to feeling crappy about myself, which I hate, hate, hate! 99.9% of the time I love my being and my body. I know it's cheesy to say, but I like to celebrate who I am. But ugh, this week I was gross, and felt disgusting. I know I come on here and talk about loving yourself, and I stand by that 100%, but to tell anyone who is reading this, that I NEVER feel bad about my looks, or who I am is a lie. Everyone feels crummy about themselves sometimes. But it's getting back in the game, of being confident in who you are, is EXTREMELY important. I felt shitty about my looks, my life, and a gazillion other things that woman can come up with in our brains that never stop in one week, and I hated it. It didn't make me feel anything but ugly and gross. I'd much rather be in my usual state, of a woman who loves herself, that doesn't believe in flaws, because everything I am, everything I do, has a purpose, and it should be embraced, not shunned.

So if like me, you are feeling grey and cloudy, with no sign of sunshine, take sometime, and do something that makes you smile. Last night I snuggled down in my bed and put on one of my favorite shows "The Vicar of Dibley" and I felt my anxiety lower with each smile. I love laughing, and for me, laughing is the best way to get me out of my funk. So whatever you like doing, laughing, crafting, reading, walking, whatever makes you happy, do it! Because feeling good, man... it's so much better than feeling awful (I know, duh, but still, it's a simple thing, but it makes a world of difference.)

"Can we laugh about it?"

Okay so I haven't posted in awhile but there has been some recent events that have fueled my amazing writing abilities (I say this hoping I will get some, hehehe). 

So here's the deal. I can laugh at myself. I don't mean just about the way I look, (which I can), I can also laugh at my personality. But right now I am talking about the way I look. I am a plumper (I use "plump" because as stated in earlier posts I will not use the "F" word. And I'm not talking about fuck. I love the word fuck, just a FYI) woman. Everything about me is 'rounded'. And I will joke about myself in a funny lighthearted way, not in a demeaning way. So when I heard that my favorite store Target had named the color of a plus-sized dress 'manatee gray' I got a little peeved. Because here's the thing, the same dress in the non-plus size department was called something else. Okay, this is offensive. I can take a joke, but I think that this 'color' was inappropriate, especially since it was only the plus-size division that had the name. 
I have stated before that Target and I do not get along clothing wise, and this just really soured me on their clothes. And I'm really not going to give it much thought, I just feel that as a woman who while growing up was referred to a 'cow' or a 'pig' or an 'elephant' wearing a 'gray manatee' colored dress wouldn't really help my confidence. So I say just chalk this up to someone who was trying to have a joke, but failed miserably, because they aren't funny. 

On a happier note, I was delighted when last week Zooey Deschanel's show "New Girl" introduced a 'curvier' character. The story line is that one of the main characters "Schmidt" who if you haven't seen the show, is a very self-obsessed guy who thinks that he is the hottest guy in the world, and he is looking for a date for his ex-model-girlfriend wedding, and goes to his ex-college-girlfriend, Elizabeth, that he dated during when he was "fat Schmidt" as a last resort. Elizabeth is plumper and instead of immediately jumping at the chance to fake-date the "perfect body Schmidt" she laughs at him and tells him that she has no interest in the guy he has become since loosing the weight, because her "big guy" was the best boyfriend, but when he lost the weight he became mean and stopped listening to her, and even stopped paying for her dinner. Later in the episode he comes back to her with three pizzas and apologizes saying that "maybe 'big guy' is still in this now perfect body," he asks her what he could do to apologize and she tells him to eat the pizza, which he does. So now that I have given you a summary of the episode I will tell you why I love it. 

First of all the new character Elizabeth does not seem ashamed of herself and speaks her mind. Second of all it shows just because you're thin and 'have a perfect body' (which to me isn't necessarily perfect) doesn't mean that you are perfect and that everyone wants to be with you. I really hope that the show continues with this character, because I really enjoyed her. 

I HATE when people think that there is just one form of beautiful. That if you are over a size 8 that you are out of the beauty category  I think that is one-hundred percent wrong. In my life I know many beautiful plumper people. People that are absolutely gorgeous  even though they don't think so. People of all shapes and sizes are beautiful to me.

So in conclusion, can I laugh at myself? Yes. I don't take myself very seriously, and if you can't laugh at yourself than we probably aren't going to get along. But do I think there is a difference between taking a joke and being offended by an inappropriate comment. Please if anyone is reading this, really think about what you say to people, because even the most confident person on the planet, still has feelings, and they can and will get hurt with just a few words. So everyone, let's be kind to one another and laugh with each other, because at the end of the day, laughter is the best medicine. 

Don't Worry, Be Happy

I think everyone gets asked “So what are you?” or “What’s your religion?” a few times in their life. I know I have and I haven’t been on the planet very long. When I was little my first answer would be ‘Christian,’ then add ‘but we don’t go to church’. My mom grew up in church and so did my brothers, but the tradition stopped with me. My mom didn’t stop believing in God, I actually think not going to church helped her relationship with God or the universe or whatever is out there. When I was younger I would ask my mom what we believed in, and she would say “Whatever you want too. God is everything you want Him or Her to be. God could be a tree or a woman or a man with a long grey beard, God is whatever you want him to be,” and of course as a little kid I was stumped, “But what is the RIGHT God?” I would ask, not grabbing the concept, and my mom would just sigh and smile, and tell me that it will come to me. Again confused at not being told what to do or think I would wonder and still do, if what I do as a person is wrong, if it makes God angry or disappointed in me. That maybe I will or the people I love will get hurt if I do something wrong? But again what is wrong to God?

Now before I continue to into my ‘viewings’ you may be wondering, if anyone is actually reading this thing, ‘why is a blog that is about women feeling good about their size, talking about religion?’ Okay yes I admit that this blog is taking a turn in this posting, but just stick with me, because my blog isn’t just about women feeling good about themselves, it’s about THE WORLD feeling good, and trying to spread happiness. So now that has been said I will continue.

Where was I? Oh yes, what is wrong to God? Hmmm. I’m really not 100% sure what God does or does not like, we haven’t really met personally, but I here are some things I think God does like.

DOES:

1)      I think God like’s people who are good. People who are straight, gay, bi, tattooed, pierced, not tattooed or pierced. People with brown, blonde, red, purple, green, rainbow or no hair. People who cuss and people who don’t. People who like sex and people who don’t. People that are plump and people who are thin. As long as people are good, that have a good soul, I think that’s what God cares about.

2)      I think God likes pizza, but really, who doesn’t?

3)      I think God likes a good joke.

4)      I think God likes it when people talk to God.

5)      I think God likes me.

Those are just a few things.

In my opinion, I think if you are a good person, and there is not one way to be a good person, then you are beautiful. I believe I have said that previously but it’s true so I am saying it again. Try and be happy! There is nothing better in the world than truly being happy, well maybe Starbucks is better, but then Starbucks makes me happy, so really it’s a sunshiny circle of happiness. I like smiling and laughing and making other people smile and laugh. I like being plump. I like coffee. I like running around in the rain. I like trying to see the good in people, not the bad.

I know people, and these are people I love, that say that they are cynics or pessimists, like it’s a good thing! Like it’s something to be proud of? So either these people don’t know what that means, or they are really sad. I don’t believe that doubting the good in the world and everything in it is a healthy way to live your life. Wouldn’t it be better not to be angry and hurt all the time? Yeah it’s easier, but it doesn’t feel good, it’s doesn’t make things better. Why wouldn’t you want to be happy, and be proud of that?

I know anger and sadness are a part of life. I deal with it a million times a day. Without anger or sadness, or bad things happening then people wouldn’t grow. You can’t have happiness without pain, but you can have pain without happiness, does that make sense? If I let all the upsetting emotions that go through me a million gazillion times a day really weigh me down, and welcome them without trying to shoot some happiness into them, then I wouldn’t get out of bed! But instead, I take those painful memories and experiences and mold them into something positive, which takes me back to God.

Look I am not saying I have never been angry with God, that I haven’t shut God out, I have and probably will again, because sucky things happen, and it’s easier to get mad at something that won’t yell back. It’s easier to blame everything bad or ugly that happened in your life on God. I think God expects that, that God knows that, and is always ready for it, and is always ready for YOU when you are ready for God or the universe or whatever you believe in when the time is right. I think that when you are ready to finally let the light back into your life again, then you are ready to live a happy life. And maybe you’re thinking, ‘This chick doesn’t know me or what I go through every day, and she’s got the gall to tell me to be happy with all I have to deal with? The stress and worry of everyday in my life is going to go away, if I only smile?’

Nope I’m not saying that, it takes work to feel happy. If it didn’t then everyone and their mother would be happy, but it’s not and they’re not. What I am saying is only you can make the decision to be happy about how you feel, look, taste, dance, sing, bathe, eat, watch TV, sleep, what clothes you wear or not wear if that’s your thing, and if you’re not happy then make a change. Because you are already perfect, you are the one who doesn’t think so and if someone in your life is telling you otherwise, then you and that person shouldn’t be in a relationship, and once you know that you are perfect, then things will get better. God, the universe, the power, the WHATEVER IS OUT THERE, already knows that you are perfect. They are just waiting for you to know it too.

P.S.

It never hurts to smile! Unless you have a toothache or something like that, but even then try! 

"Some day, we'll get it together and we'll get it all done"

So the other day I was thinking about my niece. Now I don’t mean to gush but my niece is definitely the most beautiful girl on the planet, hands down, no competition. And what makes her even MORE beautiful is her self-confidence. You tell her she’s pretty she’ll say “Thanks, I know,” and not in a vain spoiled way, just like yeah, I knew that already, but thanks for reminding me way. I wish I had her self-confidence! A part of the reason she is the way she is, is because she grew up in a positive environment, and another reason is her attitude. She doesn’t let anything get her down, and I love that about her.  

But here’s the thing, not all girls my niece’s age have that confidence. Not all ADULTS do for that matter! I remember a few years ago I was babysitting for a little girl, going into that “pre-teen” age, where you actually think being a teenager is going to be cool and fun, and not the hell that most of our teenage years were. We were watching a movie or playing a game something like that, and out of the blue she looks at me and asks “How does it feel to be you?” At first I was stumped. What does she mean, how does it feel to be me? Then it dawned on me, she was asking “how does it feel to be fat?”

Okay, I’ve babysat a lot of kids, and there is the occasional brat that points and laughs “hahaha you’re fat!” but this was not that kind of instance. My heart broke in half at the look in this little girl eyes, because she was not only asking if how I felt about being fat, she was afraid she was going to be. I asked her what did she mean, and she looked uncomfortable. I said that I like being me, I’m funny and smart, and have a lot of friends and family that I love, but I knew that wasn’t the answer she was looking for. I then told her that she was beautiful and she wasn’t fat and shouldn’t worry about being fat. She didn’t go for it. The next time I came over to watch her she had gotten one of those dance games where you put a mat on the floor and watch the arrows on the screen and do what it says on the mat. I said “Oh that’s a cool game!” and she said “Yeah it’s so I can maintain a healthy weight,” WHAT? Why is this little girl who in fact is NOT overweight even THINKING about weight. I know there is an obesity problem in this country and whatever, but this girl was FINE. There was nothing wrong with her.

I didn’t know her mom well and never really saw her, but from the mini gym in her garage and the food in her fridge I could tell that she was a bit of a health freak, plus she was a nurse. And I’m not saying this little girl problems came from her mother but I think things can be projected on someone so young.

I think it’s SO important to have our children be in POSITIVE environments, where they are free from worry and can just be kids! I think everyone who has ever had body image issues, which is mostly everyone on the planet, can pinpoint when their negative thoughts came to play. If it was a bully at school, a magazine with models that no one looks like, a passing comment between adults that don’t think you heard them, whatever, there’s a root to every problem, and it more than likely starts when you’re a kid. And I know there are other factors that go into low self-confidence, I’m not saying it’s all about home environment, but I do think it does make a big impact.

I hope that one day soon she will figure out how incredible she is and that she IS beautiful and is happy. That conversation has stuck with me for years, and not because of the fact that she went to me for fat advice but because she felt she needed too.

My blog is all about women feeling great about them, and every woman can look back on the little girl she once was and relate to that little girl. Let’s stop the insecurity and be proud of who we are ladies! Because there is no other reason not to be happy to be you, because you are perfect. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pn3mPiSizcc

Happy Holidays! With ALL the Trimmings!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
I am sitting in my pj's trying to talk myself into getting up and getting dressed to go over to my grandmother's and have an early Thanksgiving dinner. I am super excited to have Thanksgiving, and I have to tell all of you that I have seen SO many 'how to stay "smart" on holidays' with food. Okay, here's the thing I respect that people don't like gaining weight during the holidays, but come on! It's Thanksgiving! Turkey, stuffing, potatoes, cranberries, I can go on and on. And truthfully I don't go crazy on Thanksgiving, but I do on Christmas. It's once a year! I don't eat the way I do on Christmas or around Christmas every day of the year, I think that would be over loading just a bit! But like I said it's once a year. SO people take a break from the dieting and exercising, and worrying about what tonight's dinner is going to do to your waist line, because it's a happy time, well it should be. And all I am saying is that yours and mine would be so much better without guilt!
I hope everyone has a happy holiday season, and I know it's a hard time for a lot of you, but I hope that everyone can find some happiness and joy, because that's so much better than feeling down and grumpy and worrying.
Everyone please take a moment and think about what you are thankful for and what has been good in your life.
Have a happy holiday and enjoy!!!

All my love

"Don't Put Baby or Me in the Corner!"

Hey blogging world! Sorry that I haven’t spoken to you in a long time but I have been pretty busy and now that summer is over (yay!) I can finally sit down and talk with you or type I guess is the better term. I want to talk about a curvy girl dilemma: clothes. I am so tired of trying to find clothes! Clothes that flatter me and that don’t make me look like I am wearing a pillow case!

My favorite store is Target. I would live there if they allowed me too, but there is one thing Target and I don’t see eye to eye on is their ‘plus size’ department. Ugh, every time I go to the little corner of the store I feel like I am going behind the “red curtain” at a movie rental store. It’s embarrassing! I can see rows and rows of clothing for people size 12 and below, but the rest of us almost seem to be in ‘time out’ because we don’t have bodies of twelve year old which to fair is what Target’s clothes are cut like, straight and skinny. Well news flash that is not me, and many other women on the planet. You can’t just throw us in a corner, that’s not fair! I deserve to wear pretty clothes just as much as my thinner girlfriends, and it’s very difficult for us curvy girls to find them. Other department stores like Walmart have more of a plus size selection but it’s not very stylish, sometimes I can find something, but not too often. Kohl’s provides wonderful plus size clothing, stylish, well made and cut and flattering, but not always convenient for someone on a budget. So department stores are kind of hit or miss.

Now I want to point out that they are clothing stores that are just for plus sized women and on one hand I think that’s great. It’s a store trying to make women feel beautiful and try to provide a worry free environment. That’s wonderful, good for you! But I do have issue with the fact that curvy women have to go to a separate store to find clothing, and again I bring up the ‘red curtain at movie store’ comparison.

All I am saying is if you are going to claim to have a plus size department, go the extra mile you have for your ‘regular’ clothing department. In fact I say we just get rid of the separate departments and just have everyone’s sizes in the same place. Would it really be so hard for Target to offer those cute screen t-shirts in something bigger than an XL? (Oh and if those XL’s are really XL’s then I am really Kate Moss!) Come on stores, get with it! Because I would love to not have to go anywhere else but Target, hell when they started putting Starbucks in their stores I about died, but when I can’t find anything that I would consider wearing out with the three options you give me, I have no choice. Oh and larger underwear sizes please! I’m not talking about the Hanes or Fruit of the Loom packages of undies, I’m talking about the lacy numbers. Believe it or not curvy women have partners that I’m sure they would love to strut a lacy number for. Or just for themselves! Wearing sexy under things makes you FEEL sexy and gives you confidence, I know it sounds weird but it’s true, even if no one is seeing it, you are and feeling good in it and that is all that matters. And its lace, basically air, so making a few more bigger sizes won’t hurt, in fact it will help. So that’s my ranting and raving for today. Talk to you all soon, and please enjoy your holidays, don’t feel guilty for being happy! 

We Are Who We Are

When I was sixteen I worked in a hair salon, as basically an assistant to the stylists. One day I was putting laundry away and heard a client who was getting her hair washed, her voice echoing in the shampoo bowl, talking, well complaining is more like it (I don’t know what it is about salons, but as soon as you put a bunch of high strung, hair obsessed women in the same building, all they can do is bitch, and bitch, and oh yeah BITCH!)  about her I believe her sister-in-law or sister, some female in her life who was trying to get pregnant and was having troubles. “And it’s because she’s obese, I mean women that are obese have problems getting pregnant,” and it wasn’t what she said exactly but how she said it. In a very I-know-it-all voice, like being obese was the worst thing in the world. (By the way, I HATE the word obese, just an FYI) And for some reason that has stuck with me, that some people, (I’m not saying all of them, please know that) think because someone out weighs them they can talk about them like they’re aliens. Like we’re green and have weird antennas sticking out of the top of our heads, maybe if we were THIN and green and have antennas sticking out our heads, they wouldn’t care that much? Is that too dramatic? I think not, but what do I know, I’m obese.

I know there are health risks with being a plumper person, I get that. But not all plump people are un-healthy. I do exercise. I don’t run or jog or do sit ups and pushups anymore, but I do dance, swim (I LOVE swimming!), and I used to volunteer for animal rescues and shelters. And come tell me after you’ve been holding on to the leash of a seven-month-almost-fifty-pound-yellow- lab that your arms won’t feel like they just had the work out of their lives! I drink smoothies with fresh fruit, I prefer chicken over red meat, and shocking! I like vegetables! 

I do also love, love, love cupcakes from Jilly’s Cupcake Bar, which I have no idea how many calories in those beautiful stuffed morsels of cupcake heaven, and don’t plan to know. I know I don’t NEED those cupcakes (Okay, sometimes there are days where I do believe I NEED a Jilly’s cupcake. The days I like to call I-fucking-hate-everything-and-I-need-a-fucking-cupcake-day! And that Pink Velvet cupcake with the caramel filling and cream cheese frosting, really, really makes me feel better!) But it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have one every once in a while. I mean I would be pretty worried if I ate one every day, that’s a little extreme, but I deserve a treat just as much as my thinner counter parts without getting looks like I used to get on the bus as a little girl.

So are people that are plumper not supposed to eat yummy things? I say hog wash! You can have a balance.

I have been in a Type Two Diabetic Study since I was diagnosed when I was twelve. It has been a real blessing, and unlike most doctors’ offices they don’t try to make you feel bad into losing weight, (which by the way in my experience doesn’t really work, unless you want me to go home, cry, eat a piece of cake, and then proceed to wonder how long I would have to walk on the treadmill or how many crunches I would have to do on the Ab Lounge for me to get rid of that piece of cake, or if it would be easier for me to just stick my finger down my throat)

I have a dietician, whom I LOVE. She has a super sweet southern accent, glasses, and long blonde, almost white hair. She’s middle aged, and is in good shape. And the first time she walked into my doctor’s office of the diabetic study I thought “oh good, another person to ask me ‘now what do you need to do lose this weight problem?’, if I knew that don’t you think I would be doing it?”

(Oh on a side note, there are times that I think some people who are doctors shouldn’t be, or should at least take some how-to-talk-to-actual-human-beings classes. Once I had a doctor tell me after I told him about my horrible menstrual cramps, that I should just take some ibuprofen and I will be fine. Okay buddy, why don’t I kick you in the balls as hard as I can every time I feel a huge cramp that makes me double over in agony, and let’s see if some ibuprofen makes you feel ‘just fine’. Because I doubt it will, but the act might make me feel better!)  

But when she sat down across from me, and smiled a genuine sweet smile, and introduced herself, I felt oddly comfortable. She asked me what I wanted to do career wise, and I told her I want to be a writer, which made her face light up and said that was amazing. (I later learned that before she was a dietician she wrote thriller novels) She then proceeded to tell me that she didn’t want me to diet. I opened my mouth and closed it again. I wanted to say “Um, don’t you know that’s exactly what you should want me to do? That you are supposed to talk about the food groups, and exercise and all that crap that I have come to think of as crap. And that I can do this! And that it will be hard but it can happen with discipline! All that corny crap?” But I didn’t say that, I just looked at her. She smiled and in her southern accent said “Nope, because if I do, and you start, you’ll stop. Just a fact,” I nodded, still in shock. “I just want you to pick one thing, ONE THING, that you can live without, and try to give it up,” and she said it with such ease and it’s not really a big deal way her accent made it sound, that I just nodded again. I chose eating out, because frankly at the time it wasn’t that hard since I couldn’t afford it. Next time I went in I lost five pounds, and you would have thought that I won a marathon. I wasn’t even trying. It was awesome. I don’t deprive myself, and I’m happy.

I know it must still be weird to hear that I am happy to be a plus-sized woman, but I am! I am confident in my looks, how many people can say that? How many people can say ‘I’m sexy and I know it, and if you don’t think so, well I don’t need you’? Not many. And again that makes me sad. Good people, people who are happy, and loving, and good hearted, those are the beautiful people. The one’s with imperfections, who care about people, about life, and are joyful. Who laugh happily, who smile and flirt and have good times, those are the people who are beautiful. Those are the people that are sexy, gorgeous. Those are the people I love, to me it doesn’t matter what size your jean size is. It matters to me the size of your heart. Does that sound corny? Ah, well, I don’t care; I am one of those people who say the corny things! I write them down and stare at them until they are imprinted in my brain and heart. Again corny? Again I don’t care! I am who I am, and you better love me, because I probably love you, because I love beautiful souls.

Okay, okay! I will stop now, with one last thing. Be who you are, love yourself; love the people who love you. Be beautiful (it’s not hard, believe I am it every single day, and the feeling is amazing!) Oh and peace on earth (I know that has nothing to do with I just wrote, I just thought I would throw it in for good measure, because I think peace on earth is something most beautiful people want!) J

"Is being fat the worst thing a human being can be? Is being fat worse than being vindictive, jealous, shallow, vain, boring, evil, or cruel? Not to me," - J.K. Rowling